I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
