im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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