thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
