I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
