i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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