I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
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