oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
