I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i now understand why vodka
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
