You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
