I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize