My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
