im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
