My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
