Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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