Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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