Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
