twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
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