My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
