Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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