i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
