Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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