Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
