New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize