the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
