People in love make me want to vomit
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
