Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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