you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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