theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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