I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
