never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
