I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
