According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
