There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize