Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
