Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize