wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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