what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
