The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
