Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
