My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
