went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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