walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I cut my penus on the lid.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
