I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
