I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
