Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
