The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
