I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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