My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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