I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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