my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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