Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
