I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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