Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
