hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
