The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
