we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
