hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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