i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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