Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
